Escape From an Emotional Terroist

Escaping from my ex-husband who is an emotional terroist!

Please see my new blog

I have started a new blog.  I really hope you all will follow me over.

I decided that I didn’t have to live in fear, live in hiding anymore.

Portia Grace Kelly was my protected identity.

Part of my healing is not having to hide or live in fear anymore.


My Name is Julie Maire.

I am a 36 year old single mom.

I was married to an abusive man who hurt me and then I left.

This is:



Thank you all for your support and I hope to see you on my new blog.

Julie Marie aka Portia Grace Kelly




we see what we want to when we are able to

I have a custody trial coming up in the next month.  My ex made a motion to the court for “full custody and supervised visits for me with our daughter.”

When I first got this motion over 1.5 years ago I felt as if someone hit me with a bag a bricks.  I was terrified! The good thing is that was then and this is now.

I have been going through old documents lately to help build my case.  I hate going through old documents becuase;

1- I feel like I could be doing something that I want to do with my days instead of reliving the past.

2- It brings up all the emotions connected to the past by having to dig through documents and look at my life as it was then.

and the worst reason is

3- while digging through documents and looking for things to build my case I find things that I might not have seen six months ago or a year ago.

Let me explain. When I left this man my life was upside-down. I didn’t know left from right and day from night.  My world was shattered and as I found out my world really wasn’t a world that existed.  My reality was I didn’t know reality, I had been lied to, manipulated , and abuse for so long.

In the on February 9, 2012 my ex had a huge emotional and mental breakdown.  I didn’t know what was going on with him.  He acted as if he had taken some drugs.  In short the day was terrible, he held me and our daughter hostage, and later on in the evening physically attacked me.  This resulted in him being arrested.

While he was being processed through the system I packed up my car, took my little one and left.  I didn’t want to be anywhere around him when he got home. When he returned to the home he called me and wanted to know where we were. He told me he missed us.  I told him we were safe and we were not coming back.  He explained to me that it was all a mistake and that he was hoping we would be home when he got home. I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

Today while I was going though papers I was looking at a report.  In this report it stated, “father reported to CPS (Child Protective Services) emotional abuse of minor by mother on February 10, 2012.”

I know that I had seen this report many, many times but I never saw this part.  I sat there and read it again to myself and then to my fiancé out loud to make sure that what I was seeing, and what I was reading, was really what it was, and it was!

My ex-husband called CPS on me the day after he attacked me in front of our daughter and was arrested.  He tried to report me the day after he attacked me and was arrested to CPS for being emotionally abusive to our daughter.

Seriously! CPS didn’t investigate and closed the report almost immediately.  My ex had an investigation going on that started on February 9, after he was arrested.

I wish I had seen this earlier, not that it would have done me any good. I know that I have read this document multiple times but I guess I wasn’t ready to process what I saw today.

Its funny how our minds and hearts let us see what we need to see when we need to see it.  I am just glad that I was able to see enough to leave on February 9, 2012.

I’m not sure?

You make me so tired.

You just can’t be nice to me at all.

Your mean and hurtful. I work so hard for our little one to provide for her and make sure all her needs are met. I do this all without your help or support. I do this all while you make motions to take my baby away from me.

Just once it would be nice for you to give me a break.

You hurt my heart and you don’t care. Remember at one time I think you loved me, at least you loved me enough to have a baby with me, but then again I’m not even sure you loved me at all.

I’m not sure after everything I’ve learned and found out why you even married me.




to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

to eliminate or prevent the flourishing


the act or power of controlling; domination or command of another

I don’t know if I will ever get it.

Control is beyond me.  Always needing to have the last word, having to make the finial decision even to the extent of it being the wrong decision as long as he gets to make it.  He will go to any length to destroy anything just because he felt he didn’t have control.

He doesn’t follow the law, he doesn’t follow the courts rules, he thinks he is above and beyond. He thinks he is in control but that could be the farthest thing from the truth.

He is fear driven.

He is not in control even though he thinks he is and at times I feel like he is.  The hardest part for me is taking that moment, that split second moment between his emotional punches either through text or email and freak out mode. That split second makes a difference in the outcome of that hour, that day, that week, that month, etc…

My reactions have minimized over the year and my recovery is quicker, however, I have yet been unable to not freak out. Someday maybe I will get it. For now I just have to learn to anticipate his next action and what figure out what I can do to recover if I freak out.



Bad dreams still come.
In the night.
In the morning.
When I take a nap.
When I rest.

Answers I will never have.
Questions too many.

Was I really your love?
Was I easy target?

Did you ever love me?
Was I just a pawn in your life for personal gain?


Bad dreams!

Tow Truck

If I asked you to close your eyes and listen to different trucks drive by do you think you could tell me what kind of truck it was?

I can! I have this learned skill. I can tell you the difference between Fed Ex, Ups, SUV’s down to the make i.e. ford, chevy, BMW, Infinity, etc, and tow trucks.

Did you know there are different kinds of Tow Trucks?

  • A Wheel LIft- picks up the driving wheels of a car either front (Front wheel drive cars) or back (rear wheel drive) so that it can be moved.
  • Flatbed
  • Hook and Chain- not often used today as it can scratch the bumpers, usually used for cars in accidents.

Lastly, my personal favorite:

INTEGRATED- also know as Self Loader Snatcher, Quick Pick, or Repo Truck.  This is where it can get tricky as this system is often used in light duty trucks so it doesn’t sound like a normal tow truck or any other major tuck for that matter.  Most of them have the controls inside of the cab so that a quick pickup can be made without getting out of the truck.

When I left my ex I took my car that he had bought me or so I thought.

A little bit of history:  When I was recovering from an emergency c-section in the hospital in 2009 he took the title to my Lexus 2007 that was paid for in full and forged my signature to trade it in for a 2010 GL550 Mercedes Benz.  Not to mention he got approximately $20,000 back from my Lexus, didn’t apply it to the GL and spent the money on himself a leaving monthly payment of $1200.

As I mentioned I took the car because I thought it was my car.  In court he started talking about the GL being repossessed because we were no longer making payments.  Actually it was going to be repossessed because I wasn’t making the payments when in fact I never took care of the payments because he was the one with the income and plus I thought it was a gift, right? It was also past due on the registration ($550 a year) and needed four new tires ($1420).

He wasn’t paying his spousal or chid support which was a total of $840 because he self modified and felt that he didn’t have to pay me at all (That’s a whole other blog) therefore I couldn’t make the payments, pay for registration, or buy new tires.

He kept telling me that it was going to get taken.  I had worked a deal out with him to take one of the other cars in the household because there were two others.  He agreed but then changed his mind therefore leaving me with no choice but to drive around in a car knowing that at any moment it could get towed.  I could be in the grocery store, at my little ones school, the park, the doctor, or at my one bedroom apartment.  It could get taken at any time.

I learned that repos happen mostly at night for two reasons: People are home for the most part and they are asleep.  The repo man can work quickly and quietly in the night.  I didn’t sleep at night very well and this knowledge didn’t help at all either.  I used to rest next to the sliding door so I could listen for any truck that sounded out of the ordinary.  As the time passed and he kept squawking more and more about how the GL was going to get repossessed at any moment I started to leave notes in the window at night.  Being a new single mom the thought of taking the car seat out every night made me more tired than I already was.

My Note Said:

Hi, if you are here to take the car, I get it.  My ex refuses to pay for the payments and I can not afford it.  Before you take the car could you please either come up to my apartment Unit #L17 and, or call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx because I needed to get the car seat out of the car for my little one.

Thank you, Portia-

I would put the note over the vin number just in the event that they did get out and cross reference the VIN the note would be in their way and they would see it.

Click to view full size image

On September 14 at 2:00 in the morning I heard a different truck pull up into the apartment complex.  My heart sunk.  I knew it was time.  I stood up and looked out of the window and watched as a unsuspecting truck pulled up and parked behind the Benz.  I watched for a moment as they walked around the car with a flashlight and looked into it.  The guy took one quick look towards the VIN number but not long enough for him to read the note that covered it.  It struck me funny that he didn’t verify the VIN, nor did he care to read the note.

Click to view full size image

I looked at my little one all tucked in her bed passed out and thought in a brief moment, shit how am I going to get her to PreK, how am I going to get to the grocery store?  What if there is an emergency?

I opened up my door and walked down the stairs .  I called out to the two guys, “are you here to get the car?”  They bristled and I quickly said no its ok I just need help getting my things out of the car, could one of you help me.  They knew my  first and last name too quickly and I remember that being odd.  There wasn’t any paperwork to sign.  I just grabbed my personal effects and stood on the bottom of the stair case and watched as they took my car.

Click to view full size image

I got all my things upstairs and hid them in the kitchen with a blanket over them.  I didn’t want my little one to see them and get upset and worried.  She has a tendency to obsess over things and our entire situation was stressful enough for her.  I crawled into bed with munchkin and held her tight while I quietly cried myself to sleep.

He showed up at an exchange a couple of days later.  I was early because munchkin and I had to take a cab.  We were standing in the parking lot when he pulled up in the Benz.  It had been detailed, four new tires put on, and the registration was paid for.  I felt numb.  He picked up our daughter and left me standing there.

I found out later that he was never late on a payment.  He had the car personally towed so he could have it back leaving his daughter and me without a car.


I had every intention of writing something good today.  I even had the subject come into my mind this morning.  I also wrote it down.

Then “he” called to speak to my little one tonight and the life was sucked out of me.  I don’t know what it is but every time I hear him or see him all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep. My fiancé usually manages the phone calls and exchanges when they happen face to face but he was in a meeting tonight and could not help her answer the phone.

Also tomorrow send positive thoughts for me because I have to do a face to face exchange. He refuses to take her to PreK  anymore so that forces faee to face exchanges from time to time. I have to go back to court about that one!

I will write on my topic tomorrow and its another one for the record books.

The title is:TOW TRUCK


There are no physical bruises …

There are no physical bruises ...

Just because you can’t see the bruises doesn’t mean I haven’t been beaten.

From Victim to Survivor

This blog has helped me get through a difficult night.

Physically free…

Physically free from him
I am still held hostage

Held hostage in my mind
Held hostage in my thoughts

Spinning in circles
Thoughts spiral out of control

Questions left unanswered

I am free from him
I am still held hostage

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